Through the eyes of a
child:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot
older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone
did.
Then God made the
world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so
they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
long as he was
Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or
something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built
a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He
asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain
check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob
his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a
son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports
coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten
plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no
cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't
lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing
a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who
had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he
was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on the
shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about
them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus
is the star of The New. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I
wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I
was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the
Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve
opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after
him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the
Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.
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