The difference between men and women - explained!

Found this, years ago, on the Internet and it is a favorite of mine. Thought I'd share!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that,
as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for
that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ...let's see ...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed
it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.

and Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
Scumbags! And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never
have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
reallyknow that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her
bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the
TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car,
but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and
so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!

Signs of a Liturgist . . .

Signs of inhabitation by a Liturgeist

Olympic swim team tryouts are held in your baptismal font
Your church is more bleak than a Turkish prison
The only icon in the church is the picture of the Dalai Lama on the
priest's stole
The priest's stole is any color but white, Red, Purple, Green, Old Rose,
Gold, or black (unless used together as a plaid).
The homilies have the depth and theological exactness of a Barney song
The music is not elevating but fit for an elevator
They use every musical instrument created but the organ
The last time you heard the word sacrifice was at a baseball game
People kneeling to receive Communion are zapped with a stun gun and taken
outside
The word sister always precedes the word brother
Male pronouns have been banned by a liturgical interdict
The document "Environment and Art in Catholic Worship" is carried in and
held up instead of the Bible
Vatican II is extensively quoted but no documents of this council can be
found anywhere on church grounds
Confession is held for an hour on January 29th.
Extraordinary Eucharist Ministers are stationed at every row, if there is
a concelebrating priest he is bound and gagged until after the EEMs are
done
Liturgical dance, enough said
Liturgeist vocabulary to watch out for includes: worship space, inclusive
language, participation, worship environments, assembly, Easter people,
presider. Words never used are dogma, doctrine, Ratzinger (unless with a
sneer), GIRM, orthodoxy, man or mankind; if these words are used or
reverence is given to the Holy Father than subject is not a Liturgeist.
Liturgeist disturbances can also be detected in the "The raising arm
effect." This can be seen if the arms of Jesus have broken away from the
cross and are directed upwards. Depending on the intensity of Liturgeist
activity sometimes the cross will appear to be entirely gone. The
"raising arm effect" can also be detected prior to the Our Father where
peoples arms mysteriously levitate and through some magnetic force their
hands become attached to those next to them.
If any of these Liturgeist disturbances are detected, run don't walk to
your Bishop. In normal circumstances the parish priest should be gone to
first, but once this activity has been detected he has usually been
neutralized by the hypnotic effects of the Liturgeist. Your Bishop will
then appoint a priest who he has given the faculties for conducting the
"Rite of Liturgical Exorcism."

Rite of Liturgical Exorcism

The Liturgical Exorcist begins with the sign of the cross, and then a
sprinkling of Holy Water on the Liturgeist. It has been reported that
Liturgeists are deathly afraid of Holy Water. This has been noticed
because of their habit of putting everything in a Holy Water Font except
Holy Water.
The Liturgical Exorcist then traces a cross on the Liturgeists forehead
using the The General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM). A number of
helpers are required to hold the Liturgeist down since they will struggle
with supernatural strength to resist the GIRM.
At this point the Liturgeist will usually start supplicating to the
spirit of Vatican II for help. If they start quoting anything, the
Liturgical Exorcist asks for a reference to an actual Vatican II
document. The Liturgeist will normally show symptoms of shock at this
point.
The Liturgical Exorcist will then begin reading from James Akin's "Mass
Confusion" while any of the faithful present chant "Orthodoxy." Again,
make sure enough people are present to hold the Liturgeist down during
this reading.
If the Liturgeists starts to calm down during the reading of "Mass
Confusion" and says an occasionally Amen, then the Liturgical Exorcism is
successful. This can be verified by having the subject read from the GIRM
or look at a picture of Cardinal Ratzinger with no ill effects.
A Liturgeist with a university degree is especially hard to eradicate,
much prayer and fasting will be required.