Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Dating Advice for Dads to Follow!
RULE ONE. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're not picking anything up.
RULE TWO. You will not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE. I am aware it's considered fashionable for boys to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. In order to ensure your pants do not come off during your date with my daughter, however, I will fasten them securely in place with my electric nail gun.
RULE FOUR. You may have been told that in today's world, sex without a "barrier method" can kill you. When it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier method, and I am the one who will do the killing.
RULE FIVE. Social practice suggests that, to know each other better, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please don't bother. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. The only answer I need from you is "Early."
RULE SIX. I have no doubt you're a popular fellow who can date any girl he wishes. This is fine with me if it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN. Please do not sigh and fidget as you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT. The following locations are not appropriate places for a date with my daughter: *Places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. *Places that are dark. *Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness. *Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. *Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes. The following locations are appropriate places for a date with my daughter: *Movies with chainsaws. *Hockey games. *Old folks homes.
RULE NINE. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged, pot-bellied has-been, but when it comes to my daughter, I am the all-knowing and merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you're going and with whom, you have exactly one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shovel, five acres behind the house, and a shotgun. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN. Above all, be afraid. Be very afraid. As I wait for you to bring my daughter home, the voices in my head tell me frequently to clean the shotgun mentioned in Rule Nine. Once home with my daughter, exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, and announce in a clear, enunciated voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
RULE TWO. You will not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE. I am aware it's considered fashionable for boys to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. In order to ensure your pants do not come off during your date with my daughter, however, I will fasten them securely in place with my electric nail gun.
RULE FOUR. You may have been told that in today's world, sex without a "barrier method" can kill you. When it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier method, and I am the one who will do the killing.
RULE FIVE. Social practice suggests that, to know each other better, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please don't bother. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. The only answer I need from you is "Early."
RULE SIX. I have no doubt you're a popular fellow who can date any girl he wishes. This is fine with me if it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN. Please do not sigh and fidget as you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT. The following locations are not appropriate places for a date with my daughter: *Places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. *Places that are dark. *Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness. *Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. *Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes. The following locations are appropriate places for a date with my daughter: *Movies with chainsaws. *Hockey games. *Old folks homes.
RULE NINE. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged, pot-bellied has-been, but when it comes to my daughter, I am the all-knowing and merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you're going and with whom, you have exactly one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shovel, five acres behind the house, and a shotgun. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN. Above all, be afraid. Be very afraid. As I wait for you to bring my daughter home, the voices in my head tell me frequently to clean the shotgun mentioned in Rule Nine. Once home with my daughter, exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, and announce in a clear, enunciated voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A lot of sense that makes . . .!
I was talking to a woman after morning Mass. We were talking about the candidates running for governor in California this November. Neither one of them are 'winners' and you have to wonder at the lack of intelligent people available for public office these days.
Anyway, one of the candidates initially came out strongly in favor of regulating immigration, etc. However, to appease the illegal factions, she put forth billboards and commercials in Spanish pretty much saying the opposite. Guess she figured no one in California was bilingual.
The woman I was talking with said she was disappointed as she had planned to vote for this female but now won't because of her stand on immigration. I had to wonder. The woman is known to be VERY pro-abortion and this Catholic church goes was okay for voting for her BUT she took her vote away from her when she disagreed with her stance on immigration! Immigration was more important to her than babies? I was shocked but probably should not have been as the majority of the Catholic vote got us into a lot of mess in the recent presidential election.
Judgement Day should be interesting when God comes forth and shows them the legions of unborn baby souls they helped to murder by their unthinking vote.
Anyway, one of the candidates initially came out strongly in favor of regulating immigration, etc. However, to appease the illegal factions, she put forth billboards and commercials in Spanish pretty much saying the opposite. Guess she figured no one in California was bilingual.
The woman I was talking with said she was disappointed as she had planned to vote for this female but now won't because of her stand on immigration. I had to wonder. The woman is known to be VERY pro-abortion and this Catholic church goes was okay for voting for her BUT she took her vote away from her when she disagreed with her stance on immigration! Immigration was more important to her than babies? I was shocked but probably should not have been as the majority of the Catholic vote got us into a lot of mess in the recent presidential election.
Judgement Day should be interesting when God comes forth and shows them the legions of unborn baby souls they helped to murder by their unthinking vote.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Catholic Vote helped the abortion agenda . . .
A seemingly easy question to answer is, "What is a pro-life parish?" Over the past several months, I have talked to various people who claim that their parish is exceedingly pro-life. They tell me about the programs available for mothers, adoption options, clothing drives for newborns and the many other aspects of helping pre-born babies become newborns. I was impressed until I started relating the status of our government system with saving babies. The government doesn't, for the most part, recognize any rights for the pre-born. Unborn babies are either a problem or a blessing and our world makes it possible to handle it any way the individual sees fit. Yet, I wondered, how could abortion on demand be so prevalent when there are so many pro-life, Catholic parishes?
During the last presidential election, I got a definite clue. Catholics attending Mass regularly, voted for the very people who would see that abortion would always be available. And the very people who praised God in church, went to the polls and praised the politicians who ran on a platform that condoned choice by willingly offering them their vote. The democratic process has not been very democratic to our unborn. Abortion has become wholesale slaughter. Our future children are met with a legacy of death before they even breathe their first breath of life outside their mother's womb.
Legacy, according to Webster's is something received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. The most tragic legacy is, of course, future lives that are cut down before they get a chance to live. As Catholics, we abhor this and participate in pro-life parishes. Until, however, we vote for the pro-life candidates, our pro-life efforts will not go far. A sign on the door proclaiming a church to be a pro-life zone is worth little if the majority of the congregation voted in the current government of death. Have any of these people ever considered their misplaced votes as legacies to their children and grandchildren?
The legacies that count most in life can't be sold or held in our hands. The legacies that go into our lives that count are the ones that shape us, our outlook on life, the world we live in and that which we hold in our heart. And many of the legacies influencing our lives do not come as bequests from a Will. The legacies are given to us, directly or indirectly, from the examples and actions set by parents and grandparents. Can all of us claim to be thoroughly pro-life in all we think, do and say in every facet of our life?
We all teach our children about pro-life. And being children, they will ask questions. How do we answer when they ask us how we voted? Can we look them in the eye and honestly say we voted in their best interests. It is obvious from election results that votes deprived the world of many potential people . . . Catholic votes. Pro-life will continue to be a good thing and, perhaps, if people think they are pro-life, eventually they may actually be totally pro-life.
During the last presidential election, I got a definite clue. Catholics attending Mass regularly, voted for the very people who would see that abortion would always be available. And the very people who praised God in church, went to the polls and praised the politicians who ran on a platform that condoned choice by willingly offering them their vote. The democratic process has not been very democratic to our unborn. Abortion has become wholesale slaughter. Our future children are met with a legacy of death before they even breathe their first breath of life outside their mother's womb.
Legacy, according to Webster's is something received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. The most tragic legacy is, of course, future lives that are cut down before they get a chance to live. As Catholics, we abhor this and participate in pro-life parishes. Until, however, we vote for the pro-life candidates, our pro-life efforts will not go far. A sign on the door proclaiming a church to be a pro-life zone is worth little if the majority of the congregation voted in the current government of death. Have any of these people ever considered their misplaced votes as legacies to their children and grandchildren?
The legacies that count most in life can't be sold or held in our hands. The legacies that go into our lives that count are the ones that shape us, our outlook on life, the world we live in and that which we hold in our heart. And many of the legacies influencing our lives do not come as bequests from a Will. The legacies are given to us, directly or indirectly, from the examples and actions set by parents and grandparents. Can all of us claim to be thoroughly pro-life in all we think, do and say in every facet of our life?
We all teach our children about pro-life. And being children, they will ask questions. How do we answer when they ask us how we voted? Can we look them in the eye and honestly say we voted in their best interests. It is obvious from election results that votes deprived the world of many potential people . . . Catholic votes. Pro-life will continue to be a good thing and, perhaps, if people think they are pro-life, eventually they may actually be totally pro-life.
Interesting . . .
The world is a weird and interesting place but sometimes, you just have to stand back and wonder about it all. Because they banned some aspects of the new Arizona Law this week, some factions were happy, some were angry, and some probably haven't even kept track of it all. In the wonderful, liberal City of Los Angeles, protestors chained themselves together to protest the fact that the law wasn't taken down entirely. They cause traffic congestion for five hours, disrupted business, and put a lot of police on overtime in a city with grave financial distress. According to a radio news show, about ten of the enchained protestors caused the problems yet the police had to treat them with kid gloves lest they get sued for actually doing their duty. I mean, if you break the law, shouldn't you take your chances on the treatment you get?
You have to wonder about protestors in California who are standing up against the Arizona Law when California has the same, basic law on the books. They might research a bit to discover the federal law is much the same as the state laws. Perhaps a few college courses in state and federal law should be required before you are allowed to look stupid.
Speaking of stupid, why on earth is the federal government suing Arizona who's law supports the federal one? Does the attorney general have a law degree? I always thought city, state, and federal officials were supposed to support and represent the citizens. It seems that they defend only a small part of the people in the United States and they aren't necessarily citizens.
Lots of tea parties going on yet I haven't heard of any of these groups disrupting the lives of any cities.
You have to wonder about protestors in California who are standing up against the Arizona Law when California has the same, basic law on the books. They might research a bit to discover the federal law is much the same as the state laws. Perhaps a few college courses in state and federal law should be required before you are allowed to look stupid.
Speaking of stupid, why on earth is the federal government suing Arizona who's law supports the federal one? Does the attorney general have a law degree? I always thought city, state, and federal officials were supposed to support and represent the citizens. It seems that they defend only a small part of the people in the United States and they aren't necessarily citizens.
Lots of tea parties going on yet I haven't heard of any of these groups disrupting the lives of any cities.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Cool weather vs. summer chores . . .
Every summer, I seem to find something to can. There is always an overabundance of some type of summer fruit that I like to hang onto longer by way of canning it in pretty jars to admire before eventually eating the contents. I always have hopes that the contents will be devoured in the dead of winter. In California, however, we never get a winter that drastic and I can be sure to find that at least two of the newly canned fruit will be opened within a day. Kind of makes you want to yell, "Why didn't you eat the fruit right from the tree?"
In spite of all the stupid and scary stuff happening in our government and world today, it is calming to go through the process of canning the surplus from our garden. It makes me feel that life WILL go on in one way or the other. The world that exists while I bottle fruit today may change and even improve by the time the summer harvest is enjoyed in the later months. I kind of bottle fruit AND hope.
In spite of all the stupid and scary stuff happening in our government and world today, it is calming to go through the process of canning the surplus from our garden. It makes me feel that life WILL go on in one way or the other. The world that exists while I bottle fruit today may change and even improve by the time the summer harvest is enjoyed in the later months. I kind of bottle fruit AND hope.
How come . . . ?
I can understand going out of one's way to make someone feel welcome and not intimidated but if you are visiting another country, you are required to show passports/documentation when going over one border into another country. I'm having trouble processing why this is a problem in Arizona. Everyone carries identification of one sort or another. If non-citizens aren't required to show documentation, does that mean we have a choice about showing our driver's license when stopped? Isn't that just as much an invasion of OUR privacy as asking someone for their proof if identification, whether as a citizen or not? Shouldn't the citizens of a country be of first priority when it comes to protection and services? Very confusing, conflicted world we live in right now.
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